A break-up is the equivalent of your heart stepping on Lego- the pain hurts like hell, you curse and you scream, and you cry, then you scream some more. You avoid the play-ground for as long as possible, but that shouldn’t ever stop you from playing the game ever again.
When I was little, my Mum used to tell me that girls do not need a man to look after them- they need to be their own hero. But what happens when a guy breaks you down so hard, that you are no longer a girl, but a baby- and no longer his. Left in the foetal position, crying and craving attention, but the world around you has adopted the ‘let the baby cry’ mantra.
I felt my body shut down. My heart literally broke a thousand times in front of my eyes and everything around me suddenly felt grey, and cloudy and unrecognizable. My once colourful surroundings had disappeared into nothing but fog and haze- and almost 2 years later the haze is still there. Not every day- I can go weeks, months with nothing but clear skies but sometimes, just sometimes, it just hangs in the air like a weight on my heart just reminding me of what life used to be- or where I could have been.
People fall out of love, just as easy as they fall in. And it sucks.
It really sucks.
I’ve never spoken about my breakup on here, for fear of it being read by certain people, and the fact that it’s personal and some things just don’t need to be shared with strangers on the internet. But this isn’t about the relationship, or the breakup or even the people that were involved at all- this is about the impact of falling out of love with yourself for fear of never being loved again- and it’s applicable to all and every situation.
It took me far too long to finally understand why everything around me was different. Breakups affect people in all different kind of ways, and most we get over. But the mental impact of being broken down to nothing but feeling worthless, and unlovable and unwanted is one that, for me- stayed around longer than I thought possible. I lost all my self-confidence. I lost my lust for life, my sassy demeanour, even the relationships I had with friends and family and potential partners. But I was blinded to the reasoning. My body and mind had this incredible way of telling me everything was fine, and things weren’t different, I was different, and that was okay- because people change. But I hadn’t changed- I was clouded. I was still my happy, confident, do what I want, get what I want kinda gal. I just didn’t know it. I had come to accept that, this new person, who I had slowly become- was me. There was no way in hell it even crossed my mind that I could still be living in the after-math of being dumped, not this far down the road- and it was holding myself hostage inside my own body.
So how do we get over this?
How do we move on, when we thought we already had?
How do we fall back in love with ourselves, when someone made us feel so unlovable to begin with?
It isn’t easy. It isn’t simple, but it is doable.
It may seem cliche but how can you expect someone else to love you, when you don’t love yourself?!
Today, I threw away everything that I was holding onto that reminded me of my past relationship, not because I wanted him back, but because I loved how happy I was in that moment. But I’ve finally come to realise, that I am happy again, but this time because of me. While going through my things and organising my room and clearing everything out- the fog started lifting completely. I realised how much I had achieved because of me.. Landing my dream job, experiencing some amazing opportunities, meeting some freaking incredible people- all because of me.
Life may push and pull me down. But I always find a way to stand up again.
It may have taken time. I may not exactly know how I got over it. But I finally became me again.
Whenever I have looked in the mirror for the last few months, I have hated everything about me that stared back, and I am finally happy with the girl smiling back at me.
I have finally fallen in love with someone who truly deserves and appreciates it. And that person, is me… and you can do it too.