Thank you to the first guy, who at 16, I believed was the love of my life – but who made it feel impossible for me to be me. Who degraded my self-esteem and destroyed my confidence just as I was hitting the most important adult vulnerable years of my life. Who made me question every aspect of my life, but showed me that I may not always make the right choices, but I will always learn from my mistakes and will rise up stronger than ever before.

Thank you to the first guy who I ever slept with as a one night stand – you and I both know it was never supposed to be that, but you couldn’t help but to leave me as soon as you got yours. You took what little confidence I had and crumbled it in the palm of your hand. You made me realise to never regret what made you happy at the time. That things may not always work out the way you want in the long run, but to appreciate the little moments for what they are.

Thank you to the first guy who took my trust, cheated the game and broke me down to nothing – that adulterous deceit is the reason my walls are still built with barbed wire and security at every turn. But you taught me the creativity and resilience to stand against the odds, no matter what card is dealt and to learn how to move forward a step at a time. That life is not always fair, and the players have tricks up their sleeves that can knock you for six at any given moment – but it should never stop you from playing the game.

Thank you to the guy that abused and sexualised my body – who took advantage of my fragile nature and thought he could take what he wanted while I slept. You bruised my soul with scars that I’m afraid will never heal. But you gave me the confidence to stand up for myself and gave me the ability to say no to unwanted advances in life, and to truly understand and challenge the limitations that surround women in the modern world.

Thank you to the guy that did everything in his power in order to impersonate someone loving and caring – you sucked every ounce of my breath from inside my body, manipulated my feelings and moulded them into something I no longer recognise. Your cruelty knew no bounds, your lies knew no ending and your poison is still etched deep into my veins. But you taught me how to be happy by myself. That being single wasn’t a punishment but rather a sophisticated choice in announcing to the world that I am okay on my own.

Thank you to the guy who got lost and found himself fingers deep inside my personal life. You taught me that I had a story worth sharing with the world.

And to the guys who ghosted,

Who catcalled on the street and to the guy who thought he had the right to follow me home.

To the guys who demoralised my values and who told me I would never be good enough,

Or smart enough,

Or pretty enough.

Thank you for making me who I am today. A girl who knows hands down and with her head held high, that she deserves the world and will not rest until she gets it.


  1. Indya | The Small Adventurer

    It’s incredibly upsetting to hear how common it is for people to go through all the things you went through, but it makes me so happy to hear that you’ve built yourself back up again. You DO deserve the world, and you WILL find someone who gives you that and nothing less, but the most important lesson from all of this is that you are already everything you need to be, and no one else is going to change that. Well done for not giving up, and for finding your strength – I know exactly how hard that can be.

    1. amandabootes

      Thank you Indya, it’s shocking how many people have hidden stories and secrets like this. We all deserve the best and we will always find it. We are always stronger than our past.

      Amanda xo

  2. Isabella

    Really good post! Sorry you had to go through this. I’ve had experiences like that as well and you only become stronger!
    You deserve someone who loves you for who you are and do not settle for les. 🙂 xx

  3. Noémie

    Thank you for sharing your story cause I have some similar and it’s nice to realize that these stories although they broke us they allow us to be stronger :).
    Take care,
    Noémie xx

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